The contemporary Nigerian wedding happens in four phases, which does not mean getting married four different times to four different persons but to the same person in four different ways, reflecting a harmonious fusion of religious, cultural, traditional, and civil elements.
In Yoruba culture, In Yoruba land, the introduction ceremony (Mọ̀n-mí-n-mọ̀n-ọ́) is the first phase. Families of the intending couple formally get acquainted and assert their consent to the proposed marriage. Some are done in a living room setting with strictly the nuclear or immediate extended families in attendance, and for some others, only paying the bride price separates this from the proper engagement ceremony.
During many introductions these days, the groom and his friends prostrate severally to the bride’s family (signifying a plea to marry their daughter), intending couple cuts the cake, spokespersons usually referred to as Alága Ìjókó representing the bride’s family and Alága Ìdúró standing for the groom’s side are used, gifts such as fruits, wine and drinks are exchanged and so on.
The introduction ceremony encapsulates the essence of the first phase of a Nigerian wedding, blending tradition with contemporary practices and laying the foundation for the subsequent stages of this joyous journey of matrimony.
The second phase of a Nigerian wedding is known as the traditional wedding or engagement ceremony (Ìdána). During this significant event, the couple dons traditional attire, and the festivities mirror aspects of the introduction phase but include paying the bride price and fulfilling other obligations. Engagement items, known as “Ẹrù Ìyàwó,” are presented to the bride’s family, encompassing symbolic offerings such as 42 tubers of yam, kola nuts, bitter kola, wine, a suitcase (not empty), bags of salt, sugar, honey, among others.
These items are warmly received by the bride’s family, emphasising the communal nature of the occasion.
Surprisingly, a wind of returning the bride price to the groom’s family has swept across the land in the light of not selling the bride. The bride price is slowly but surely becoming alien and unwelcome in the new age because the practice is misconstrued as a dehumanising practice to women, especially from a Western philosophical point of view. Parents perceive that wicked husbands are maltreating their daughters on the excuse that they have been paid for, like a “commodity”. While many blame this derision on families that take advantage of the bride price to make outrageous demands, others believe that how a man treats his woman may not necessarily depend on whether or not he paid her bride price but significantly on his personality. Saying men maltreat their wives because they paid their bride price is like saying that expensive diamond engagement rings also produce women-beaters in the West.
In this contemporary era, many are unaware that the bride price serves to protect the marriage from dissolution. It is not degrading to women and does not reduce them to slaves; it is not in any way tantamount to making a man feel like a slave master who owns a slave he has paid for. The bride price is an instrument to ratify a marriage. It is one of the highest honours confirming a bride’s value and womanhood, giving the couple full rights to sexual, economic, or procreative powers. It fosters a friendly relationship between the two families, providing a material pledge that the woman and her children will be well treated and a level of compensation to her natal family for the loss of her company and labour. It is most often a matter of social, cultural, symbolic and economic reciprocity, being part of a long series of family exchanges.
The bride price symbolises sincerity and good faith connected with a woman’s reputation and esteem in the community.
A token that highlights a degree of commitment and chivalry in a man and shows he not only values his bride but also has a high regard for her family. No amount of money can buy a good woman; her value is inestimable in human terms. No man can pay for all the input of those who raised a good woman and all the benefits she brings; her love, care, help and companionship far outweigh any monetary value. A bride price is a humble demonstration of appreciation, honour and respect to the bride’s family for all the work they put into raising “this” gift from God and returning it seems utterly disrespectful. Where a man’s treasure is, his heart will also be; paying a woman’s bride price symbolises that a man has kept his treasure (money from his sweat) where his heart belongs.
In some cultures, a marriage is not reckoned to have ended until the return of bride price has been acknowledged, signifying divorce. When a woman intends to leave her husband, she is expected to return the goods initially paid to her family. So, before you decide to return the bride price on your daughter’s wedding day, consider that this is often done when a marriage is to be dissolved. Bride Price is our heritage, a genuine and deep-rooted customary practice that makes marriages more meaningful and prevents the despicable way of life where wives are extremely easy to find, like stones, and equally easy to dispose of, like tissue paper.
The court wedding is the third phase. This is the only form of wedding recognised by law: a legal licence for a woman to take up her man’s name and officially become “Ìyàwó Alárédè” (Legal Wife). In most cases, this is only attended by direct relations and some friends. But if the couple intends to skip phase four, this might be the “big deal”.
Finally, phase four happens in the church. This is the one all the other three above eventually lead to. No thanks to Cinderella, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Aladdin, Anastasia and all the fairy-tale cartoons that have stirred the fantasies of many little girls of someday marrying a prince in a castle garbed in a flowing white dress, with all the shimmering splendour all over them. This is where a minister claims to represent God and joins the two together in matrimony by a holy ordinance. Many believe this wedding phase takes place before God and man, and the couple’s name is written in Heaven’s book of marriages.
Centuries ago, an exciting tradition accompanied the engagement night. The newlyweds retired to a specially prepared room with a pristine white bedspread. The groom’s “knowing” of his bride for the first time was followed by presenting the white bedspread to representatives from both families eagerly awaiting the outcome.
A bloodstained bedspread, symbolising the consummation of the marriage and often referred to as “meeting her at home,” brought immense joy and pride to the couple and their families in traditional weddings. A positive outcome was a cause for celebration, marked by a feast where no one could lift a morsel until the result was revealed. Chastity was highly valued, and every woman safeguarded her purity for the man deemed worthy, signified by his prostration and payment of the bride price. These customs reflected conscious, calculated, and dedicated efforts to uphold purity.
These marriages were considered blessed despite not wearing black suits or white dresses in religious houses or courts. The belief that marriage only gained divine recognition when couples appeared on the altar for blessings has sparked controversy. While some insist on God’s approval within the confines of religious institutions, others argue that traditional weddings, blessed by parental approval, hold equal significance. The ongoing debate questions the superiority of formal Westernised ceremonies over cherished cultural practices.
The pressure to undergo all four wedding phases, especially for families with financial constraints, leads to considerable debt. While the desire for glory and glamour is understandable, there’s a call to align wedding plans with financial means. Prioritising affordability over extravagant displays caters to a more comfortable and convenient life after the wedding. The emphasis shifts from impressing others to ensuring a sustainable future – living debt-free thereafter.
The realisation that marriage is a journey following the ignition of the wedding day prompts reflection. The unfortunate reality of some marriages faltering shortly after extravagant ceremonies underscores the importance of dedicated attention and effort beyond the wedding. Prioritising weddings over marriages is like spending lavishly on housewarming without owning land, let alone laying a foundation. Building a successful marriage requires a more substantial investment of time, money, and resources. The focus should shift towards constructing a life together beyond the grandeur of wedding celebrations.
Olaotan Fawehinmi: Wedding vs marriage – A journey through cultural significance and the true essence of matrimony
